I’d like to take a break from blogging about what we’re seeing and where we’ve been, to take a moment to write about what it’s like to be traveling for so long. In fact I feel like I’d have so much to say I could write a whole book about the process, both logistical and mental, of traveling long term. For now, I’ll focus on the simple fact that after six months of traveling, I’m craving familiarity.
This may come as a surprise to some of you following this blog, since it seems like we’re having non-stop fun and seeing amazing things every day. There is definitely a large amount of truth in what I try to portray, but there’s also some behind-the-scenes realities.
Most of the time, one craves exactly the opposite of what one has. When you have a life with a regular job, a routine, a home, you crave exoticism, spontaneity, escapades, discovery. When you’re living the nomadic life, you crave the familiar, comfort, points of references to hold onto, friends, a sense of purpose. At least, that’s what I’m feeling right now. I want to feel at home and with a clear purpose.
That said, I made a life choice. I left my job, my apartment, my friends to go pursue what possibly could only be experienced once in a lifetime: a year traveling around the world, with no strings attached, enough money and with the company of the love of my life. Sounds pretty idyllic. That’s what everyone dreams about, right? Well, not so easy in practice.
There are many layers to this type of traveling that contributes to feeling disoriented or exhausted. For example, the constant decision-making as Justin expressed on his blog, but for me it’s the loads of time I have on my hands which opens the dangerous doors of thinking about what I’m doing, why, life, etc… In a normal life, that’s what I would crave: time. Right now, I’m finding that distracting my mind and keeping it busy is essential to staying sane. It’s very easy for me to slip into thought processes such as “why am I doing this again?”, “what’s the point, really?” and even as far as “what’s the purpose of my life?”. Yikes. I seem to be desperately trying to hang onto something larger than myself with no avails.
Faded islands in the distance – Halong Bay.
Our itinerary also makes me feel trapped. Do we really have to go everywhere we said we would? Why? At what point to you draw the line and say “ok, I think I’ve seen enough for now”? At the same time, not doing everything we said we would doesn’t seem to be a good solution either. Sure, we can stop the trip… and then what? I actually do like many things we’re doing. For instance we’re in the magical place that is Halong Bay and I wouldn’t trade that for anything in the world.
What I’m really craving is to be home. Thing is, I don’t have one. I know we could get into a discussion about what “home” means, but right now I’m talking about a home where you have keys, can open the door and step back into your cozy little world and resume your various responsibilities. For us, that would mean creating a new home and creating a new set of responsibilities which I don’t think I’m ready for either.
So as the French say, “J’ai le cul entre deux chaises” (my ass is in between two chairs). To stay on the trip seems like a whole lot of work, a trial on my stamina. To stop the trip presents a whole other spectrum of challenges including figuring out where we would want to live and what we would want to do, which are pretty big questions to tackle.
What’s my solution? On a conceptual level, I know it is to just accept and appreciate where I am. Whatever mindset I’m in, it doesn’t matter. On a practical level, I’m not able to get there easily. I seem to have to break down (usually involving many tears), let the tension off my chest, calm down (or sleep) and then realize that where I am and what I’m doing isn’t so bad after all. I wish that realization was more permanent. I had the same thought process when I had my job, but wanted to escape and go travel. Break down, let it out, sleep, feel better. There’s gotta be peace I can find in whatever I’m doing. How does one find that strength?
There are life lessons being learned on this trip. Everything, I’m sure, is exactly the way it should be.
I appreciate how honest you are being about this, because there *is* a pressure to appear like you are having non-stop fun and enjoying every moment, and of course, nothing in life is like that. I have a feeling that whatever “dream” a person achieves in life–whether it’s finding a great love, or achieving fame, or traveling around the world for a year–have downsides and dark corners that no one thinks about until they experience it themselves. And as someone who is (obviously) following your trip, I find your feelings completely understandable. No one ever said adventures were easy to have.
Anyway, you have been traveling quite awhile now, so it seems natural to me you would be having negative feelings/fatigue around this point. I bet you will get a second wind, just like a runner in a race!
Sending lots of love your way from Petaluma! Sometimes when I email you guys, I think that my tales of going to a happy hour with friends, doing work, or watching TV with my cats must sound as exotic to you at this point as your adventures are to me. Thanks for sharing your feelings on this. Everything (especially something worthwhile) has ups and downs, and I’m always interested in your thoughts on both. I always admired the magical ability you and Justin have of finding adventure and newness all around you, even when it seemed like there was nothing left to find. Now you’re surrounded with a non-stop flow of adventure and newness, which can be overwhelming. But I know you will find an equally magical, uniquely you way to grab moments of peace and comfort when it seems impossible. Letting it out is the all-important first step.
“…have downsides and dark corners that no one thinks about until they experience it themselves”
This was actually one of my motivations for going on the trip. Not that I wanted to have a downer of a time, but I knew there would probably be things I’d experience (good and bad) that just couldn’t be replicated in shorter episodes of travel.
Thank you Joy and Marcia for your compassionate words, it means a lot to me. It really is easy to forget the bigger picture sometimes. But then I look back at photos of what we did a day before and invariably think how cool it is.
I’m sure a 2nd wind will come along. In the meantime, there is endless discoveries about myself that are happening and probably won’t even be processed or understood until we’re done with this crazy adventure. Forward we go!
Oh ma chérie combien je comprends tes états d’âme !!!!!Mais le fait de les exprimer comme tu le fais, tu les “guéris” déjà à moitié car tu en es consciente et tu ne le caches pas aux autres. Et puis, je dirais que tout simplement tu as une réaction humaine ma chérie. Bisous ma Nana et bisous à Justin A bientôt !
What an excellent post. You’ve really expressed something that I think is very difficult to describe.
I think you are on your own “hero’s journey”…I can’t wait to see what lies on the other side.
Stephanie,
If it were me, I would have been having the cravings for home and the breakdowns long before now. Comfort, familiarity, routine, these things sound like negatives when you have plenty of them, but there is a good reason we spend a large portion of our lives immersed in them. What you’re doing is an extreme of human experience. I absolutely empathize with what you’re feeling. I don’t know how much that helps, but you should know that your feelings really ring true.
It’s been a real treat following your travels, both here and via Justin’s site. I think it takes a great deal of self-awareness and courage, really, to share the not so unicorn-y aspects of travel…especially when you feel some pressure to continually report what an awesome time you’re having. Thanks for the thoughtful post, keep up the excellent writing!
Stephanie, I’m luxuriating in an evening of feeling caught up on work enough to catch up on your adventure, and I’m with everyone else: your feelings sound totally rational to me!
I think a lot about the elusive sense of “home” you referred to. For the past year, I’ve been in so much transition. Heck, for most of my adult life I’ve been something of a nomad. It helps to know there’s some kind of “home base” to return to, and you know you have several of those: your famille in France, Justin’s crew in TX, your friends in CA, etc. I hope it will help you relax in your travels to remember that there are a lot of doors to which you can have a set of keys when you’re ready for it.
My aunt said something wise to me a few years ago about having sold the horse she’d always wanted: Sometimes you have to have one dream come true in order to have a new dream. This trip was the dream when you were in your cube in San Fran, and now you’ll come up with some other adventure to aspire to– maybe something like buying a house in a suburb. :)
Love to you both!
Thank you all for your kind words. It really does help and gives me strength.
Moumounette – merci… j’essaies d’exprimer et maintenant, il faut simplement que je vive.
Terrie – Thanks, I too am curious to see what kind of impact this whole experience will have in the future. Huge, I’m guessing.
Jackie – thank you, it does help! I never thought of myself as a creature of habit. I like to break routine all the time, but this trip is taking it to a whole different level. Can’t know until you try I guess…
Sal – glad to hear you’re enjoying the posts. I think the pressure of projecting a positive image is self-inflicted, really. Mostly because not-so-awesome things are generally really difficult to express in a constructive way. This time, I really felt like I had to let it out :) Thanks for the kind words.
Leona – your aunt it totally right about the new dream theory. While we’re living our dream, we are fantasizing about others. I think it’s healthy because it keeps you moving forward, but the balance lies where you can also enjoy the present. That’s my struggle… do both. Hope you’re doing well! xo
Stephanie, I’m going to chime in and say I also think it’s brave to admit to these feelings, given the pressure to put on a smiling face and rave about what a great time you are having. I am definitely a creature of habit, myself, and I love to have my place, my people, and my things around me. I get anxious any time I’m out of my routine, and I can only imagine what days and days of choices — what shall we do today? — would be like. Planning for the SXSW conference is challenging enough for me! Anyway, push through and try to enjoy the moments, and I’m sure you’ll also enjoy settling back down when you do.
Good for you for saying it out loud. We have some good friends who spent two years sailing around the world. While it was a defining time in life for them and has colored all that they have done since, only one would go for that duration again. And I think this exactly why. All of them still travel and sail and expect to have adventures, but no one wants to give up that sense of home-place again. And that strong place connection may have a lot to do with why Daniel is able to rove so easily. I still have to find out, but I’m learning a bunch from you and Justin.
Pamela – thanks! This is definitely a learning experience. It’ll definitely taint the way we look at life moving forward… in what way, I’m not sure yet. But I will definitely look at routine in whole new light.
Csg – I think my ideal travel scenario would be to have a pied-à-terre somewhere, travel all I want and be able to return to that base once in a while. It really is hard to cut *all* the cords and be completely sane. It’s this kind of thing that can’t be learned until you’ve tried. Hugs to you, Daniel and Chloe.
I am just catching up on both yours and Justin’s blogs. All of your friends have made such good comments. I think we all have a little bit of “the grass is greener on the other side of the fence” in us and maybe,though, you are appreciating all you are doing now, you won’t really appreciate the magnitude of it all until you are home in France or the US. I would imagine that then you will have a whole new level of appreciation for what you both experienced. All that you are doing molds you in some way or other into what you will be in the future. The purpose of your life is an ever evolving thing as you move through life and learn and sometimes relearn. I think you and Justin grab life with great gusto and do so well at making the most of your time.I can understand that feeling of not wanting to miss anything while you are there yet needing some quiet, alone time to just be and not go, go, go. I hope the Yoga retreat will be something of a rejuvenation for you, too. Even on a trip like this you need moments of nothingness to appreciate all those moments of color and light and activity. I have always needed a physical base to call home and to put roots down– a place to come back to and maybe this trip has been that realization for you–that you need that balance, too. In my heart my home is Brian and all of my family, but I still need that place as well. It is something I learned when we made the move to Texas and am still working on resolving–I am a slow learner, but even at my age I am still learning and making new decisions for the direction of my life. For me it means life is not boring and I am still looking forward to the next possibility. We are all learning and experiencing through what you and Justin are doing so you have both given us a wonderful gift. Take care of each other. love, Kathy
Kathy – Justin read your comment to me and we both ended with teary eyes. Thank you so much for your ever present support and understanding. We are learning immensely on this trip, the large majority of it being about our own selves. I know exactly what you mean when you say “In my heart my home is Brian and all of my family”. I feel very much the same and I do now realize that an important piece of my balance is to have a physical place to call home too. For now, I’m able to fantasize about it knowing that it’ll happen again at some point. Justin and I sometimes talk about the time when we’ll shop for a new bed or a couch and how much fun that’ll be. I’m hanging onto that prospect – it keeps me going. Hugs and love.